A while back I saw a cute, satirical video called “Shallow Small Group.” It
was a group of people gathered in someone’s home for what looked like a typical
suburban church small group. As you would expect, the conversation was not
very deep and there seemed to be a much greater focus on the presence of the
cheese dip than the presence of the Lord. The tagline of the video is “Shallow
Small Group, because when people go too deep they drown.”
As a student and young adult pastor, I have been given the privilege of helping
many young and mostly single people develop community in the church. I
frequently think about the question, “What should make friendships in the church
different and deeper than any other friendships?” Although there are many “right”
answers to this question, the most fundamental answer must be that spiritual
friendships are friendships that are, in the words of Paul, “in Christ.”
This might be obvious, but it’s worth stating that spiritual friendships, in a
Christian context, will most deeply flourish between Spirit-filled people. What
seems to often go overlooked, however, is how developing your personal spiritual
life gives you the opportunity to develop an incredibly rich social, spiritual life.
Knowing that, how do we so often miss it?
Far too often we use what could be called an “external use of scripture.”
For example, imagine you and I are in a small group that is doing a study on the
Book of Romans. I skim through the study just enough to discuss what the author
wrote. Then I show up and make comments about what Paul actually meant by
the word “predestination.” I like discussing theology so I would personally enjoy
this conversation. If I’m not careful, however, I could learn a lot about
predestination and virtually nothing about your personal spiritual life.
Furthermore, by talking about “predestination” I could keep you from knowing
much about my spiritual life. Worst of all, I could actually use a theological
conversation to keep you from knowing that I truthfully don’t have much of a
personal spiritual life. Is this spiritual friendship or a book study with some
intellectual stimulation?
After our study, we might hang around and socialize a bit, but now its cool
to talk about “whatever.” I’m from Georgia, so talking about “whatever” means its
time to talk about UGA football. Suddenly I discover that I have a “connection”
with some of the guys in the room that I did not have before. Please understand
that I love football and enjoy a good conversation about the Dawgs, but this is not
spiritual friendship. At this moment, I am having the same type of conversation in
church that I could just as easily be having at a sports bar. Side note: Tim Keller says, “Idols aren’t necessarily bad things. They can be good things that we make into ultimate things.”
An idol is whatever we look to, other than God, to provide a sense of love, joy, peace, and fulfillment in our lives. What is almost always true, however, is that I will either get my sense of love, joy, peace, and fulfillment from God or I will inevitably search for it in another direction. That means I will either seek after God or I will seek after idols. There is no “neutral” gear in the spiritual life.
What does that have to do with spiritual friendship? I might tell you, “I wish
I had more time to spend in the word and in prayer.” But what I won’t tell you is
that I would have that time if I spent less time on my ESPN app. Or that our
conversation about the Dawgs might simply be encouraging our mutual idolatry.
This unfortunately builds a friendship more rooted in a particular idolatry than “in
Christ.” It is deceptive; because it happens in a church context it passes for
“Christian fellowship” while sadly missing the mark of true discipleship. Does that
mean we ought never talk about football at church? Nope. Just that I can spend a
lot of time deflecting so I don’t have to confront my shallow faith or faltering
disciplines. In other words, more time on cheese dip than the presence of the
Lord.
So how does one build true spiritual friendships that give us the
powerful intimacy for which we so deeply long? Here are a few thoughts:
Friendships that are “in Christ” are rooted in solid theology. That’s right,
good friendships need good theology. Biblical friendship flows from the cross of
Christ. That first and foremost proclaims we are all sinners in need of a savior.
Biblical friendship believes “there is now no condemnation for those who are in
Christ Jesus” and therefore it is ok to be honest about the fact that I am not ok.
We need a theology that says conviction is a good thing because where there is
no conviction there is no sanctification … that I’m still on the road to Christian
perfection, but I am made right through the righteousness of Christ alone.
Mature, spiritual friendships are rooted in a theology that says we are
beloved children of God. To be a child of God means we primarily get our
spiritual “life” — love, joy, peace, and fulfillment — from God our Father. That
means I am responsible for seeking out life-giving encounters with God —
encounters that throughout church history have most reliably come through
searching the scriptures and spending time in prayer. These encounters create a
rich personal spiritual life that now make it possible to have an incredibly rich
social spiritual life.
Spiritual friendship requires a theology that says, “I’m not only saved from
sin, I’m saved to a body of believers.” Like organs in the physical body, we are
responsible for receiving life and then sending it on to others. We encourage our
young adults to BYOSL (bring your own spiritual life). Bringing your own spiritual
life means we seek God on our own and then share the fruits of that seeking with
the community. We must be aware, however, that if we are not receiving our life
from God, it is possible we are instead passing on the toxicity of our idolatry to
those around us.
By God’s grace, I pray you will build spiritual friendships, where
you fearlessly talk about both your need for God’s redemptive grace and how
God is powerfully providing that grace through the “means of grace.” As you
bring your own spiritual life to your small group I believe you will have
conversations that will be deep, intimate, and mature, and that will encourage
you and others to grow in the art of holiness.